Bronson Gao

七月十七日

道

何も要らない

We’re driving, and I should’ve brought my watch with me. The clock, then, is how the weight of sun is distributed. But the sky, I can even ignore it at this point.

There were moments where I struggled to hear her voice over the music. I offered to turn it down, but she said it didn’t matter. It also didn’t matter enough for me to push further, it seemed like. This is more than good enough.

“Where do you find this stuff?” she says.

“I saw ‘em live. They’re local,” I say. It’s a grindcore demo, some violent elegy for the suburban reject—lament’s putrefaction—cocked like a hammer, a dad’s gun to a head. I’m not the only one sick of this place, evidently.

I start grinning when she says “How can you listen to this?”

“It’s awesome,” I say. “I think it’s a great time, what do you think?”

“What am I supposed to think?”

“It kills stress, man.” And I think whether I should’ve called her that or not, letting it sink in. How deep can a hole go, I wonder.

“How?”

“Bang your head.”

“What?”

“Like this.” I make the motion, and I figure she’s seen it before—probably many times—but didn’t have the vocabulary until now.

From my periphery, I see her start doing it. Her rhythm isn’t very good, but she’s trying, which counts. I had my doubts about whether or not she was really enjoying this, but I think that’s disintegrating. And past my initial demonstration, I’m doing it with her.

“What are you doing?” She asked underneath laughter. Somewhere I got bold enough to start growling to the song.

“Singing!” I shout out, veering my eyes from the road to hers. Then I roll down the windows. “You do it too!”

It took a minute, but I watched the confusion evaporate.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” she screams at the slicing wind. I turn the music up.

“LOUDER!”

“GRAAAAAAAGHHHHHHH!” She sounds like a siren. It feels like the most intense experience I’ve had that’s really mattered. From looking at skinned cats, beating my nose into the pavement, getting crowd-killed, I know this is better. 何でもより楽しいです。

子供の時、夏は長くならなくても良かった。やっぱり、次のはいつも来ていたんだが、私は本当に正しくなかったね。実は自分の時間を全部消してしまったから、人生はもう意味がないみたい。

それに、いい家族は大切だと思う。そして、今を消してから、何も要らないと思うんだ。世の中は社会でしょうか。じゃあ、社会は会社みたいすぎて、高すぎるんだよ。だから、生活はもう大事じゃないかも。でも、私はまだここにいる。

When I was a kid, summer didn’t have to be long. After all, the next was always coming; but I was actually incorrect. Actually, because I disintegrated all my time, life no longer appears to have meaning.

Moreover, I think a good family is significant. And after I’m done erasing right now, I think I won’t need anything. The world is society, isn’t it? Well, society resembles companies too much, and is also too expensive, you know. So, day-to-day life may no longer be important. But I’m still here.